The Music Guy

There's nothing I can say on this subject that Nick Hornby hasn't already said, a hundred times better, but I'm going to say it anyway. There's a particular type of guy out there, and I've dated him, like, fivesixseveneight times already, who is so consumed with music that he uses it as both as the lens through which he perceives the action of his life, and the language with which he expresses his experience.



That's fine with me. I am tremendously self-absorbed and love the idea of having a soundtrack playing to my life at all times. However, the Music Guy has one really annoying trait that I can't get over, and here's what it is: at various points in your relationship with him, but especially at the beginning, he will give you the Quiz.



You cannot win at the Quiz. I don't care how indie you are, when you started listening to the Pixies, what kind of cap or belt you're currently wearing. You will never be as hip as the Music Guy. He drinks absinthe while he listens to Interpol; he liked Modest Mouse before you even knew who they were. He never had an embarrassing hair metal phase, and he not only knows who the next big thing will be, he has tickets to see them next month. He is just much, much cooler than you are. Don't worry, though: he's going to sleep with you anyway. He just wants to know how low he's going before he stoops.



Shortly after you start dating the Music Guy, he will begin ruthlessly rearranging your record collection. He may even insist that you buy actual records, and a turn table to play them on, because he prefers the aesthetics of vinyl.



It's important to note that while the Music Guy plays the bass a little, he's not actually a musician in the more commonly accepted sense of the word. He knows a lot of musicians, though. Or people who know musicians. For example, his best friend totally sold Elvis Costello some pot once.



There may be a female version of the Music Guy, but I haven't run into her yet. Maybe it's because I don't date women, but I'm betting it's just a guy thing.