Tuesday, April 29, 2008

In the Old Days, This Required Binoculars

I was making my rounds of former flames on all my usual stalking sites the other day (MySpace, Facebook, Google, the National Registry of Sex Offenders) when I discovered that one of my exes has recently entered into a relationship. This ex is basically two exes, because I dated him twice, during two totally separate periods of my life.

Anyway, the point is that I am really a lovely person because I was so happy to see that he was in a relationship. Seriously, I rule.

Oh, and also, yes, I do think it's normal to stalk exes on Facebook. Basically, if you date, sleep with, or even talk to me in a vaguely romantical fashion at any time in your life, I will stalk you on the internets until the end of time. You have been warned.

Zombies on the Subway. Again.

If you told me that every last person on the subway this morning was a zombie, I would believe you.

I am known for being gullible - although I prefer to think of myself as filled with childlike wonder - but I swear to you, these people were out for brains. Let's review the evidence:

1. Vacant stares. (Check.)

2. Ashen complexions. (Check.)

3. Odor of rotting flesh. (Check.)

4. Alternately jerky and swaying locomotion. (Check.)

5. Invading my personal space for no other reason that I could see except for BRAINS, BRAINS, OMFG BRAINS.

Check. Obviously.

Monday, April 28, 2008

What Does It Take ... to Get a Drink in This Place?

Me: This guy at the end of the bar is trying to get me to take him home with me.

Aaron: He's a good-looking guy.

Me: You know, the thing is ... it's depressingly easy. I'm not trying to be a jerk. I don't think it means anything.

Aaron: My uncle told me a story once. He was talking about how at a certain age, girls just started to look right through him. Not like, giving him dirty looks or whatever. Like, they just didn't notice.

Me: Yeah, I'm not looking forward to that day.

Aaron: So it's a compliment, right?

Me: Yeah. (Pause.) I'm just so tired.

How You Know It's a Good Party

Michaela: So, should we get a car?

Me: Yes. Finish this whiskey. I have car service numbers.

Josh: OK. I just have to find my pants. (Off our look, as we realize he is still wearing only gold lame hot-pants.) What? My phone is in the pocket.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Update From the Dating

I got a complaint the other day from one of my twelve loyal readers that I haven't said much about the ol' love life lately. I assume that this is because this guy is in a relationship and is longing for gossip from the dating world.

I don't do a lot of gossiping about dating, because I'd like to be able to continue dating, and also, less selfishly, because it seems kinda mean to reveal everyone's secrets on the Internets.

I will tell you though, without getting specific, that I've been very amused lately by the number of dudes who think it's appropriate to ask young ladies about their quote-unquote fantasies. I assume porn is to blame for this, although to be fair, I blame porn for a lot of stuff I don't like about the culture lately, like totally depilitated lady forests and hypersexualized twelve-year-olds.

Fortunately, I have an answer to this question now. When a guy asks me to tell him my fantasies, I will now reply, "I fantasize - all the time, like, night and day - about doing it in, you know, a regular way. And then - this is the hot part - we totally go to brunch and get eggs."

Come on. Who doesn't like brunch?

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

A Sign

Last night, I had a dream that my roommates were kicking me out of my apartment because I hadn't done the dishes in so long. I live alone.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Some Things Never Change

Me: My friend Claire brought her baby into the office the other day.

Ma Smash: Oh, Leo! How is he? He must be big.

Me: He is big. He is no longer a large baby. He is now a small man.

Ma Smash: They do that.

Me: And he's a flirt! He loves girls. It's hilarious. I forgot that babies are people. I remember when I was waitressing, little boys would always flirt with us. Probably because we were smiling ladies who were bringing them food. Who doesn't like that?

Ma Smash: No one! Everyone likes that.

Me: It was always boys, though. I never saw, like, girl babies flirting with the guy waiters. So I think it's just boys who do that.

Ma Smash: [Crickets.]

Me: Mum? Did I lose you?

Ma Smash:
Oh, no! I'm here.

Me: So, what do you think? Is it just boys?

Ma Smash: You were the worst flirt I've ever seen.

Me: Me? No! Come on.

Ma Smash: You were terrible. A little hussy. You'd bat your eyelashes and everything.

Ha ha ha. That's hilarious.

Ma Smash: I feared you'd be abducted.

Me: And the guy would stand up in court and say, Look at the onesie! It was the way she was dressed!

Monday, April 21, 2008

Frida Hublo

Reader Monty has a theory on why I might have 11 teeny little zits on my nose: "Spider eggs?" Yeesh, Monty. Like I'm not crazy enough already.

To make myself feel better, I thought I might get my eyebrows threaded at lunch. I go to this place a few blocks away from my office, and they're pretty nice there. One time, when I hadn't been going there long, they talked me into getting my mustache done as well. Bear in mine that I have about 12 teeny little golden hairs on my lip, but they way they talked about it, it could have been a handlebar mustache, complete with waxed tips. Shame-as-upsell. Vogue has nothing on these ladies.

Anyway, I fell for it once, and then spent a week with this freakish bare upper lip that was way more obvious than any 12 golden hairs could be, so I decided never to do that again. Sensing this, the ladies didn't suggest it.

Today, however, there was a new threader who hadn't gotten the memo. After she did my eyebrows, she said, "Anything else?"

And I said, "No thanks."


"No. Thanks."

And then she - swear to God - ran her finger over my lip, as if stroking my long, luxurious mustache hairs and said: "NOT EVEN THIS?"

"No," I said. "Leave the mustache. I LIKE IT."

Take that, thready-lady.

Arrested Adolescence

I woke up this morning with about 11 teeny little zits on my nose. WTF?

Sunday, April 20, 2008

31 Years of Being Pale...

...you'd think I'd learn. I have a sunburn from being outdoors yesterday. Keep in mind that I was wearing 50 SPF sunblock the whole time.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Non Fashion-Related

But possibly crazy-related. I had my first migraine in over a year on Friday.

For some reason, getting a migraine always makes me feel a little nutty. This is possibly because no one seems to understand entirely why people get them or how they work, or it's possibly because I have a bizarre neurosis in which I feel that illness is actually my body's way of telling me that I am WEAK, WEAK, WEAK.

The weirdest thing about my migraines is that they're always preceded by a day or two of smelling garbage. It's like Hallorann's harbinger in The Shining, except that instead of preceding awesome psychic insights that save the lives of women and children, mine precedes a headache, which is awesome only in the sense that it inspires awe, and also temporary paralysis due to pain, and occasionally vomiting.

Here's another problem: if you live in New York, and it's not the dead middle of winter, you're probably smelling garbage anyway. So it's not like I actually get a warning anymore.


This probably won't matter all that much to people who don't give a crap about fashion and/or New York, but I'm reasonably sure I saw Simon Doonan walking his dog near Washington Square Park on Saturday night. Evidence supporting this:

1) He was only about an inch taller than me.
2) Simon Doonan has a dog.
3) He looked a little horrified when he heard me and two of main gays hollering about his possible Simon Doonan-ness from the confines of our taxicab.

"Oh my God. Oh my God. That dude over there? I think that's Simon Doonan."

JC, who was closest, craned his neck. "It totally is Simon Doonan. It is either Simon Doonan, or a Simon Doonan impersonator."

Me: "It totally is him. Look how annoyed he is! Simon Doonan! Moss, hold my ankles."

Moss: "Hrm?"

"Hold my ankles, I want to lean out the window. Oh, shit. Now we're moving. SIMON DOONAN, I LOVE YOU. PUT DONATELLA BEHIND GLASS AGAIN."

It's possible that I am not well.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Art at the Brooklyn Museum - Now With Handbags and Vaginas!

Today, I decided that I needed some culture. I woke up early, virtuous, and got coffee and dropped off dry cleaning and went to the post office. Then I walked across the park to the Brooklyn Museum, to see the Murakami exhibit.

Now, to be honest with you, I didn't know much about Murakami before I went, except that he is, doy, Japanese and makes stuff that looks like anime. And I didn't really do much research beforehand, because I am lazy, and also because I like to experience things and then research them.

Many of the families were were attending the exhibit had also failed to do their research, and thus spent most of the time either covering their children's eyes or pretending to be the kind of hep parents who don't care that their children are looking at art featuring GIANT PENISES WITH SWIRLING ARCS OF BOY JUICE SHOOTING OUT OF THEM.

There were also vaginas. Don't want you to think that Murakami is leaving out the ladies. One little boy kept ogling a series of statues depicting a girl turning into a jet plane. He was pointing right at her lady parts, which were extra-pink and directed conveniently at the viewer.

Also of interest, in my opinion: The display of Murakami Louis Vuitton handbags which were in the middle of the installation, and for sale. I can get down with the mingling of art and commerce, but shouldn't that be in the gift shop? Grumble. Anyway, the placement worked, because I can't say I usually crave LV bags, but I wanted the one with cherry blossoms all over it.

I spent an hour in the Murakami exhibit before going downstairs to look at the Egyptian art. It was more my speed. I like looking at the scarab jewelry and cuniform rolls and the jars that used to hold guts. Also, I saw a mummified crocodile, and also (as well) an Ibis, which is a bird. Apparently, the Egyptians would mummify anything they found lying around, any pet, or, say, house guest. Something to think about.

A successful trip on the whole.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

10 Reasons Karl Lagerfeld Rules

I love Karl Lagerfeld. I don't care how crazy he is: I love him because he's crazy. I love his weird powdered-wig George Washington hair, I love his super-tight collars, I love his fucking fan. But most of all, I love him when he says things like this:

Do you ever wish you had a son to pass on your wisdom to, to continue the Chanel heritage?
That's the last thing I want. I hate all children. For other people, it's fine, but not for me. I was born not to be a family person.

And, later:

Also I cannot go on airlines because people stare at me, you have to be touched by people. I hate that...I hate bespoke because I hate to be touched by strangers. It bores me to death.

Go read the rest at Jezebel. You're welcome.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Why I Hate Exercise

I was in the locker room at the gym just now, putting away my clothes, when a woman came over and opened one of the lockers in the upper bank next to me. The door promptly fell off its hinge, nearly squashing her.

"See that?" I said. "Exercise is bad for you."

"Actually, if I hadn't been working out so much, it would have fallen on me," she said. And then she applied stupid little weight-lifting gloves to her stupid little paws and toodled out into the gym in a high odor of sanctity.

This is my problem with exercise, and it's the same one I have with the Grateful Dead and Jesus: I can't stand the fans.

Monday, April 7, 2008

How Much Hatemail?

Looks like they just pried the gun out of Charlton Heston's cold, dead hand.