Ma Smash: Hi, honey!
Me: Hi, Mom. I'm in a cab and I have to tell you, I think I'm drunk.
Ma Smash: Oh, dear. Well, I guess it's a good thing you're not in the subway then.
Me: Dennis wouldn't let me.
Ma Smash: He's a good boy. You tell him I said that. Sweetheart?
Me: Hmmm?
Ma Smash: Sorry, I thought you made a sound.
Me: It stinks in here.
Ma Smash: Oh dear.
Me: It does. It smells like the backside of balls on a hot day.
Ma Smash: Excuse me, miss: And how would you know?
Me: Er.
Ma Smash: On second thought, I don't want to know.
Me: I heard it somewhere.
Ma Smash: Just take a shower when you get home. And wash your hair.
I weep for those who must subsist without the advice of their mothers.
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