It's hotter than Mercury here in NYC, which is a problem is you're a sweaty person like me.
Most people sweat in this weather: What I do is mutate into a human sprinkler. I seriously look like I've been hit with a hose. Like maybe one of those guys who's always spraying down the sidewalks in front of apartment buildings got me by mistake. (Note: They never do this. There's clearly a lot of training that must be gone through before one can become a Hose Guy.)
Today, I walked my usual eight blocks to the train, only to discover that I was completely covered in perspiration. I mean, but completely. Usually I'm a tad damp. It looked like I had neglected to dry off at all when I got out of the shower.
It was so bad that I couldn't even tell myself it wasn't that bad. This is because people were staring. I learned something today, though: I learned that if you're a sweaty girl, people will fuck right off out of your way on the train.
I owe this realization to the dried up ol' sourpuss who was standing next to me on the B train this morning. She had a lot of bright red hair, nine gold necklaces, actual stone-washed jeans, and a face full of puckers that weren't entirely the fault of the aging process and/or overexposure to the sun and Merit Ultralights.
She stared at me in disgust as I continued to water my little square foot of standing room, so I stared right back at her. After a moment, I began wiping my chest and making horrid sickly little groaning sounds, like maybe the TB was going to take me at last. Finally, she looked away.
Seriously, lady: Would I sweat this much if I could help it? Just because you haven't had a natural bodily function since 1983, is that any reason to take it out on me?
Showing posts with label city stank. Show all posts
Showing posts with label city stank. Show all posts
Monday, July 21, 2008
Saturday, June 2, 2007
The Most Wonderful Time of the Year
No, not City Stank, although that started up today, as well. (Park Slope smelled like dog shit this morning when I woke up at 6 to go to the gym. And it wasn't even hot out yet.)
No, my pals, it's my birthday. One week from tomorrow, your host will be 31 years old. I find this very hard to believe. I don't feel 31 in the least. I think it's because I've dated so many younger men. They're keeping me youthful! And immature!
Anyway, because I'm trying to be a better blogger, updating more frequently and all that, I'm enclosing the invite I sent out to about 40 of my closest friends. It's a cheap update, I know, but hey. (Also, because strange boys sometimes mail me pictures of their penises, I'm leaving out the precise location. Write me if you know me and didn't get it, and I will provide you with the exact location.)
Ahem:
It is time, once again, to gather at a local bar and help me drink myself stupid as I celebrate the passing of another year. That's right: It's MY BIRTHDAY.
Some of you might know that I love MY BIRTHDAY more than any other human on the planet. I love it because I am entirely self-obsessed, and because I love presents and cake and talking about myself, and because on MY BIRTHDAY you have to let me enjoy all these things. Ha ha ha!
MY BIRTHDAY will not be at the Magician this year, because that sucked, but it will be on the Lower East Side, because I'm very busy at work and have no creativity to spare for party planning. Therefore, please join me at the following time and location:
WHERE: XXXXXXX
WHEN: Saturday, June 9. I will be there at 9 PM. I will be drunk when you show up at 11.
WHY: Because it's MY BIRTHDAY.
WHO: Everyone. (A short FAQ follows this message.)
Hope to see you all there!
XO,
Hubs
FAQ:
Q. My significant other is not on this list. Why is that?
A. I am sleeping with your significant other. However, I like you more, so I'm inviting you instead. Oh, what the heck: Bring 'em along. MY BIRTHDAY comes but once a year.
Q. I know someone who isn't on this list, but I think you meant to invite him/her. Should I ask you about it?
A. No. You should just invite this person. I probably meant to leave him/her off the invite list, but won't that be funny?
Q. I live in a different city. Do I still have to go?
A. Don't you have a life to live after? Just send cash. (However, if you're in town, you can stay at the Mouse's house. I'm sure he won't mind.)
Q. I have a funny joke. Should I reply-all to this email?
A. No, you should not. The exposed email is just to let everyone know that I have a lot of friends.
Q. Do you like your birthday?
A. OH MY GOD, I LOVE MY BIRTHDAY. However did you guess?
No, my pals, it's my birthday. One week from tomorrow, your host will be 31 years old. I find this very hard to believe. I don't feel 31 in the least. I think it's because I've dated so many younger men. They're keeping me youthful! And immature!
Anyway, because I'm trying to be a better blogger, updating more frequently and all that, I'm enclosing the invite I sent out to about 40 of my closest friends. It's a cheap update, I know, but hey. (Also, because strange boys sometimes mail me pictures of their penises, I'm leaving out the precise location. Write me if you know me and didn't get it, and I will provide you with the exact location.)
Ahem:
It is time, once again, to gather at a local bar and help me drink myself stupid as I celebrate the passing of another year. That's right: It's MY BIRTHDAY.
Some of you might know that I love MY BIRTHDAY more than any other human on the planet. I love it because I am entirely self-obsessed, and because I love presents and cake and talking about myself, and because on MY BIRTHDAY you have to let me enjoy all these things. Ha ha ha!
MY BIRTHDAY will not be at the Magician this year, because that sucked, but it will be on the Lower East Side, because I'm very busy at work and have no creativity to spare for party planning. Therefore, please join me at the following time and location:
WHERE: XXXXXXX
WHEN: Saturday, June 9. I will be there at 9 PM. I will be drunk when you show up at 11.
WHY: Because it's MY BIRTHDAY.
WHO: Everyone. (A short FAQ follows this message.)
Hope to see you all there!
XO,
Hubs
FAQ:
Q. My significant other is not on this list. Why is that?
A. I am sleeping with your significant other. However, I like you more, so I'm inviting you instead. Oh, what the heck: Bring 'em along. MY BIRTHDAY comes but once a year.
Q. I know someone who isn't on this list, but I think you meant to invite him/her. Should I ask you about it?
A. No. You should just invite this person. I probably meant to leave him/her off the invite list, but won't that be funny?
Q. I live in a different city. Do I still have to go?
A. Don't you have a life to live after? Just send cash. (However, if you're in town, you can stay at the Mouse's house. I'm sure he won't mind.)
Q. I have a funny joke. Should I reply-all to this email?
A. No, you should not. The exposed email is just to let everyone know that I have a lot of friends.
Q. Do you like your birthday?
A. OH MY GOD, I LOVE MY BIRTHDAY. However did you guess?
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