Things I am not qualified to do (a partial list)

1. Perform acupuncture.

2. Or CPR.

3. Or surgery of any kind, or any medical procedure, except the Heimleich maneuver.

4. Negotiate with terrorists.

5. Tell you what to do with your life, or any part of your life, including this afternoon and early evening.

6. Prepare sushi. (Are there professional qualifications for this? I feel that there should be. I also feel that persons who eat raw, uncooked food that used to move of its own accord deserve what they get.)

7. Give you a tattoo.

8. My actual job, come to think of it.

9. Automotive repair of any kind, including the changing of tires and windshield wiper blades.

10. Administer or cause to be administered intoxicants or other soothing agents.