Fast guide to Boston's neighborhoods

I've been thinking a lot about Boston's neighborhoods lately, because my cousin is moving to town, and because I keep running into ex-boyfriends when I least expect it, in parts of town they never used to go to. (This is a disturbing trend, and I'd like to put a stop to it, especially since my Island of Exiled Ex-boyfriends idea was rejected by the Boston City Planning Commission.)



I've only lived in two neighborhoods myself, but they couldn't be more different. Cambridge, my first home when I got moved back to Boston after college, was pretty much a grown-up version of the super-liberal college town where I went to school. Women eschew make-up there, preferring to go around barefaced, wearing smock dresses and clogs whilst carrying WBGH totes. I was wicked impressed, as you can see. I don't know what the men wear, because I don't remember seeing any men, but I'm sure they all had ponytails.



My favorite part of the whole Cantabrigian experience was getting coffee. You'd stand there in line behind some woman who'd just been out on the street with a placard exhorting everyone to help the poor and needy -- which I'm totally on board with, by the way -- but who was now berating some poor barista who made eight bucks an hour because her soy latte was tepid. After a year of listening to everyone go on and on about the whales and Nader and the right wing, I was about ready to become a Republican hooker. I think we can all agree that it was time to leave.



I live in Roslindale now, which is much more working class, and I'm pretty happy here. There are lots of kids and dogs, and just the right amount of trendy little restaurants and galleries. Also? Two words, my friends: dive bars. That's all I'm saying.



Next door to me is Jamaica Plain, where I'd live if I had the cash, or could stand living with other humans. JP is super-hip, but so diverse it doesn't really grate on the nerves most of the time. You can find hippies and hipsters in equal measure here, as well as people who are not white and didn't grow up in suburbia.



My cousin Rolfe, when he moves here, will live in the South End, because he is young and successful and beautiful and gay. I like the South End, but I always feel sort of unkempt there. Maybe when Rolfe moves to town, he can help me out with that. He's always been great about recommending skin care products in the past, but I don't know if he'll be up for it, now that the fellas from "Queer Eye" have ruined everything.



Let's see, other neighborhoods. Well, okay, Allston, for example. I have some ex-boyfriends there. Allston was JP before JP was JP. If you were a hipster and you were broke, that's where you lived. All of my friends who got kicked out of their houses right after high school graduation moved to Allston. Now, it's so expensive that only European college students can afford to live there. It's funny how these things go.



The North End. Boston's Little Italy. I would get so fat living in that part of town. The cannolis alone would do me in. Also, there are far too many people on those little narrow winding streets, and I would never be able to find a place to put my car. This is of course my way about making myself feel better about the fact that I will never be able to afford to even think about living there.