The New Campaign of Health and Fitness, and Its Effects on My Life

I am on a regimen once again, because I gained three pounds last week, and it has occurred to me that perhaps grown persons should not subsist on beer and cheese. The regimen has consisted of my going to the gym and walking more, and also trying to add more vegetables to my diet (meaning that now I eat some, whereas before, I ate fewer naturally occurring vitamins than the average orphan in Dickensian England.)

All of this has had the following effects on my life, for good and for ill:

1) Because lifting weights has made me sore, and perhaps the merest bit less flexible, I now walk like Mia Hamm. This is not a good thing. Also, I may have to stop wearing soccer shirts, which is a shame, because I love them.

2) My skin is clearing up. I sort of wish this had happened a few years ago, because it would have been nice to have a six month period of time in which I had neither wrinkles nor zits, but apparently that was not to be.

3) I am so thirsty. Is that a beer you're having? Oh my, it looks like heaven.

4) Also, is that a chocolate bar? Please give it to me.

5) Fuck you and your cheese.

6) Maybe I'll just buy bigger pants.

7) Wasn't this supposed to be a list of salutary effects? Well, screw that. I'm starving.