Me: (To the cashier at my local bodega.) "Do you have Kotex? Or any kind of pad?"
Bodega Boy: (Standing beside the counter, almost permanently. He's maybe 16, hasn't got shit to do, and is talking to the cashier aimlessly.) "Shit! You can't ask for that here! You got to go to Key Foods!"
Me: "Why?"
Bodega Boy: "Cuz ... uh, shit man! That's gross!"
Cashier: "In the far aisle. Juan will get it for you."
(After some struggle with the tall-shelf-grabby-thing, I slap my Kotex down on the counter. Bodega Boy looks pained.)
Bodega Boy: "You don't gotta slap it down like that."
Me: "Oh, yes I do."
Bodega Boy: "Shit, man, why?"
Me: "Because my uterus is shedding huge tangled chunks of bloody tissue, and I need napkins to absorb the flow."
Bodega Boy: "Shit!"
Me: (Leaning in confidentially. Almost flirtatiously.) "Every one of these napkins is just waiting to catch a giant bloody clot of uterine lining."
Bodega Boy: (Crickets. Shock shock, horror horror. It's clear he'll stay a virgin until he's 36.)
Cashier: (Smiling. Enjoying himself immensely.) "Good night!"
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lol, way too funny. You are plain evil. hehehe. But I have to ask and this, it may be a stupid question but what is a "bodega" I'm not from the north and have never heard this before from the way you used it I assume it's a small neighborhood store. Is this correct?
ReplyDeleteP.S. This may have to be listed among my all-time favorite Jennie Smash stories.
ReplyDeleteThis story makes me miss you even more.
ReplyDeleteConcur with your sister, Jen. Best. Story. Ever.
ReplyDeleteHey, capt bonez, you are correct. A bodega is a small grocery. They specialize in beer and snacks and other necessary items.
ReplyDeleteJennie Smash - feminine educator extraordinaire, catch her bodega lectures in a borough near you!
ReplyDeleteThis is a great entry.
In addition to beer and snacks,some Bodega's also sell little bags of marijuana...
ReplyDeletedepositing a used tampon onto the streets of manhattan is acceptable but inquiring about a clean pad is offensive?
ReplyDeleteclearly I've been in DC too long.
Way to Smash, Jennie!
brilliant
ReplyDeleteTraditionally there were three stages of a man's life: before he knew about feminin products, when he is terrified that SHE will ask him to go into a store and buy feminin products, and when he actually starts to buy feminin products routinely, with only the residual fear that he will buy the wrong one. With this blog, another has been inserted between a. and b.: when he lives in fear someone is going to mention feminin products. Jennie Smash has added to the historical lexicon once again!
ReplyDeleteHahah*hurk*hahahaha*hurk*hahahaha!
ReplyDeletepuke...I mean HA!
ReplyDeleteNow that was a feminist statement if I ever heard one!
ReplyDeletePa Hubley, you are entirely on point and never fail to crack me up- but do not forget about the ultimate stage where man is relieved of all tampon duties and instead has to break out the swivel room fan!
ReplyDeleteYes. You are fabulously evil. Without a doubt.
ReplyDeletehahaha, that story is great!! I can invision it!! I agree best story!
ReplyDeleteso...awesome.
ReplyDeleteI'm still baffled by the discomfort that some guys exhibit when confronted with feminine hygeine products. It's not like tampons and pads are uncommon... women (and the men who love them) have been dealing with this stuff for at least three thousand years.
ReplyDeleteI mean, is it really that different from toilet paper, acne cream, Immodium AD or any other product designed to ease the "unpleasant" biological aspects we face for being human?
Keep spreading the good word.
p.s. Useless non-employee standing near the counter of a bodega is most likely (99%) just the drug runner.