Austin, Texas is not Texas at all. Anyone will tell you this. Austin is a made-up bullshit place that's just too good to be true. A hippie cab driver drove me to the hotel, screaming about Bush and tugging his beard the whole way, and the bouncer at the bar we went to (his name: Tank) hugged me goodbye, and then made his pecs dance, as a friendly gesture. I ate the best BBQ of my whole entire life, drank a ton of beer and bought a cowboy hat.
Austin fuckin' rules.
I was nervous about Austin, because I've never spent much time away from the East Coast, and when I did, it was to visit my sister in San Francisco or Washington State. I had some misconceptions about Texas, I'll freely admit that. These misconceptions cleared up as soon as I met the hippie cab driver at the airport. However, I had a bad moment there with a flight attendant in Houston, before my fears could be allayed.
They have terrifying smiles, some of the flight attendants, don't they? I recognize them from when I was waiting tables. It's the strain of having to be nice to assholes. I imagine it's worse when said assholes might be armed. Howsomever, this woman had a particularly creepy form of the Frozen Smile, plus a ton of makeup, and she scared me.
"Are y'all home?" She asked me, as I made my way off the plane.
"No, I live in New York," I told her. "Just changing planes."
She stretched her grin wider. I thought I saw madness glinting in her eyes, but I might have just been dazzled by all the eye shadow. "Aw, that's too bad," She said brightly. "Go, Astros!"
I was too flabbergasted to tell her that I'm not a Yankees fan.
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Flight attendants are rarely friends to women. We don't marry them and we don't shoot them, so we're basically invisible. Many of them are old and cranky now. And so am I.
ReplyDeleteI hope you and your little Tennessee flat-top box made it to work alright this morning, Ms. Hubley, seeing as how the Lord smote the F,V,A,C subway lines with hellfire & brimstone.
ReplyDeleteAmen!
Judy
Most Texans will freely admit that within the borders of their state you will find a widely divergent selection of fruits and nuts. Austin is the only remotely liberal part of Texas; it’s also the most hydrated (relatively speaking; as the locals say “it’s green but dry, dry but green”). Extreme eastern and most of western TX are populated by the righteous hypocrites we’ve all come to know and love since they’re now in charge of two of the three branches of government. They remember the Kennedy assassination with a certain degree of fondness.
ReplyDeleteYou should’ve asked the flight attendant where she was based. My bet on her answer: “Daaallus.”
Glad you enjoyed your visit to Texas. I was sure you would like Austin.
ReplyDeleteThat is quite amusing. I only went to Texas once and it was just as I imagined...hickville. I do want to go to Austin though because I love that show Austin City Limits
ReplyDeleteMy boyfriend's 13-year old son lives in Austin (well, Round Rock, a suburb)with his mother. Obviously. This has no point, sorry. Did you know when I started reading this, I read every damn blog entry that you wrote in a couple days at work because I (apparently) am a Jennie Smash glutton. I was so disappointed that I starved myself for awhile and now I have tons to read. (If you ever saw me, you'd know the 'starving myself' was not literal. Tee hee! Um...anyway, sorry. No point, no point.
ReplyDelete