My brother John

My brother-in-law is going to Iraq in a few weeks. I don't know when exactly, because the army doesn't tell you these things, and I don't know where exactly, because every time I ask, my sister answers, "Muhfahbuhdadada" and I go "whah?" because I'm a stupid American white person.



I really like my brother-in-law, so I'd prefer it if he'd just get a nice desk job and hang out with my sister, but he wants to save the world, so off he goes to Iraq.



No, seriously, do you understand? He wants to go to Iraq. To help people. About a month ago, he started having terrible stomach problems, probably as a reaction to his anthrax vaccine, and he didn't want to tell anyone about it, because he was afraid they'd make him stay home.



I think my sister must have picked him as an antidote to growing up with me as an older sister. I am so, so shallow. I mean, like, seriously shallow. I don't even read the newspaper all that often. I spend most of my time thinking about boys. It's really hard for me to wrap my head around someone like John.



Sample conversation between me and John, to illustrate my point:



Me: Are you really, really going to Iraq?



John: I really am.



Me: Why?



John: (crickets chirping)



Me: Okay, I'll let you go, but on one condition: If they start shooting, I want you to grab the guy nearest to you, one who isn't my goddamn brother-in-law, and use him as a human shield.



John: (mouth hanging open in horror)



Me: No? Okay, how bout this. Let's work on your running. How fast are bullets? We need to make it so that you can run faster than that.



I am not happy about any of this.